If my life were a Star Wars movie, I'm pretty sure I'd be working for the Empire. I imagine that the Empire had a lot more bankers than the Rebel Alliance. Although there wasn't a lot of discussion of economics in the movies, it seems pretty clear that the universe had money and capitalism. Han Solo was willing to give Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi a ride in the Millennium Falcon to Alderaan for 2,000 credits now and 15,000 later and Lando Calrissian was prepared to negotiate with the Empire in order to protect the off-take contracts for his mining business. So if the Empire had capitalism and money, then it had bankers.
What's more, Darth Vader would have had a great need for bankers. He had a lot of infrastructure projects that would have required substantial fund raising and he would have had enormous working capital needs to keep his transport and logistics operations running. And that's without mentioning the need for advice on his numerous mergers and acquisitions, although in the case of Darth Vader, it was probably mainly acquisitions.
Not that being a banker to the Empire would have been an easy job. Darth Vader, for example, would have been a difficult person to pitch ideas to. Not being able to see his expression under the big black mask would have made it difficult to tell whether he was receptive to the presentation material. And his tendency to use his telekinetic powers to suffocate folks that he was unhappy with would have meant that presenting a fee quotation or financing charges would have been quite stressful.
Then of course there is his devotion to mystical forces and belief in destiny. I expect he would have been generally inclined to ignore the advice of his consultants and make up his own mind. It's always annoying when clients behave like that, not to mention when they have disconcerting personal habits like breathing really loudly through their mouths.
On the plus side I imagine he was probably pretty aggressive, and I doubt he would have been particularly concerned about the impact of his investments on retail investors or anybody else. He certainly wouldn't mind putting together a portfolio of mortgage-related investments that was likely to collapse and then selling it to unsuspecting clients.
'Thank you for your time Mr, erm, Darth, Vader,' I say, handing him my card. He uses his mind to make it fly across the room and into the trash can.
'Right, umm, very good,' I say. 'Perhaps we can get started. If you'll turn to page one of our presentation, you'll see some of the available assets we have identified on the planet Alderaan.'
'I see dark times ahead for the planet of Alderaan,' he says.
'Right, sure, so assets on Alderaan are not acquisition targets that you will focus on, understood. On page two we have...'
He interrupts. 'Would your bank be able to provide us with some financing? We are looking to raise around 835 trillion credits for the construction of the ultimate weapon, the Death Star. It will soon be feared throughout the galaxy, but right now we are focusing on the construction financing,' he says.
'Well, we would need to speak to our credit team about the level of appetite we would have for a deal of this kind,' I say.
'I want your commitment, not excuses,' he says, turning his helmet to face me. 'Think carefully about whether you can underwrite a sizeable portion of the debt.'
'Well, there's obviously some more information we will need. Can you give me an idea of your projections of the cash flow this will generate?' I ask.
'Cash flow? It won't generate any cash flow. It will bring the rebels to their knees, but I don't think it will generate much cash flow at all,' he says.
'Well, how are you going to repay the debt? How will you meet your interest payments? This is beginning to sound just like that clone army project that we lost so much money on. Our management certainly...' says my colleague - before he is suddenly suffocated by an invisible hand around his neck.
'I find your lack of faith disturbing, Alanson. I will have your bank's commitment, subject to due diligence and credit committee approval, by next Thursday.'
'Well, I'll see what I can do.'
'Actually, now that I think about it, I would like you to confirm your interest informally by the end of the day,' he says.
'End of the day! What happened to next Thursday?'
'I am altering the terms of the deal,' he says. 'Pray I do not alter it any further.'
'Yes, well, you are a very important client, and we would very much like to support you. But the strategy of the bank is to only provide balance-sheet support to clients where we can also generate fee business. To what extent can you also offer M&A mandates or capital markets business to us if we participate in this facility?'
'You dare to make demands of me!' he seethes. He's clearly not happy about this question, but I have to ask. I just hope he's not going to launch into one of his 'Do you know who I am' speeches and start talking about how I wouldn't ask for things like this if only I knew the power of the dark side. I mean, every client seems to think they're the most important person in the universe and that we should bow down to them and give them everything they want.
Of course, if any of my clients actually was a megalomaniac with telekinesis, an enormous military and the power to control weak minds, well then I probably would.
Alan Alanson is an investment banker writing under a pseudonym. Contact him at alan@alanalanson.com