They believe non-sexual touching helps couples feel safe and reinforces connection, which can eventually boost one’s sex drive. So what can be done to bridge the intimacy “gap” and reduce the imbalance without making either party feel inadequate or pressured?

Clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist Dr Kristin Zeising says we have to recognise that both physical and non-physical intimacy are important.

“Non-sexual intimacy like holding hands, hugging, and touching release oxytocin; this is the same chemical that is released during an orgasm. Physical affection also reduces stress by lowering our cortisol levels, which is the stress hormone.”

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She adds that non-sexual touching is important for those partners with a lower sex drive. They tend to avoid any touch for fear it’ll be interpreted as an invitation to sex, so the benefits of non-sexual intimacy should be made apparent to them.

“Physical intimacy that is not overtly sexual can take the form of touching, hugging, caressing, and massaging. This can be a daily habit that builds connection. All these can increase a sense of closeness and trust, which can then open the door to sexual intimacy.”

Zeising points out it’s important to make sure that the partner who wants non-physical closeness feels that it is valued and is not less important than the sexual closeness. It’s also important to acknowledge that sexual closeness helps to solidify a deeper bond. It can be a difficult balance to strike, but it is certainly achievable if both parties remain communicative with one another.

Another approach is by organising intimacy nights to allow both partners the space for sexual connection so that both are mentally and physically prepared, she adds.

Furthermore, Zeising says both partners can work on what may be a good middle ground regarding the frequency of sexual intimacy. For example, if one wants it daily, the other every few weeks, they can compromise by engaging in sexually intimate activities on a weekly basis.

That way, it allows for the higher physical intimacy partner to know it will be coming and the non-sexual intimacy partner to not feel constant pressure.

“It’s easier to also fit in non-sexual intimacy in multiple surroundings. Keep tending to these while you also think about good times in which to be more physically intimate. Also, you must be intentional about creating this space.”

Zeising offers some advice on how to help a partner cope with the fear of physical intimacy and reassure them that they are appreciated for who they are.

First, patience is the rule of thumb because it takes time to build trust and get to know someone.

Start with small steps like talking about easier topics. Once the foundation of trust has been laid, you can graduate to tackling more challenging topics. As the communication deepens, one may feel safe enough to embark on fostering a physical bond.

Then you can focus on affectionate touch; but not touch that feels intrusive (i.e. grabbing or groping). You can offer to give your partner a back or shoulder rub, which is a far less intrusive action.

She says: “Affectionate touch is a powerful way to demonstrate and rekindle passion, even if you are not a touchy-feely person. Physical affection can help set the stage for sexual touch that is focused on pleasure.”

You can also practise being more emotionally vulnerable during sex to show your partner it’s safe to go “there”. It is also a way to remind your partner that they are safe with you and do not have to go further than they are comfortable with, she says.

Other approaches include sharing your innermost wishes, fantasies, and desires with your partner and engaging in sensual massages. When you give pleasure through touch to your partner in gradual stages, it will allow them to become more comfortable with the level of touch, she adds.

You can also double the length of time you kiss, hug, and use sensual touch to create closeness and build a bridge to a more physical connection. You may also use techniques such as timed breathing to calm your body, alongside calming phrases to help soothe your mind if you feel overwhelmed, Zeising advises.

“Be mindful in the moment; notice your senses and tune in to how your body is responding to stay in the present. This helps keep your mind from drifting to negative thoughts or feelings,” she says. “Maintain a sense of curiosity about sexual intimacy and experiment with new ways to bring pleasure to each other.”

You can tell if someone has intimacy issues because they are unwilling to give up control and share their innermost thoughts.

Zeising says signs of a fear of intimacy may include: avoiding physical or sexual contact; difficulty with commitment; a history of unstable relationships; low self-esteem; bouts of anger; self-enforced isolation; difficulty forming close relationships; difficulty with sharing feelings; and a reluctance to trust others.

It could be caused by a fear of abandonment. Some people have a history of physical, sexual or emotional abuse that has caused them to fear intimacy of any kind.

All of these issues are solvable, though, so do not despair. It always begins with love, patience and communication, so start from there and trust in the process.

Seven ways to spice up non-sexual intimacy

1. Engage in more non-sexual methods of touch like kissing and hugging

2. Rub your partner’s leg while on the couch, and softly stroke the inside of their arm

3. Caress your partner’s cheek

4. Walk closely with your arms around each other’s waist or hold their hand

5. Spoon each other in bed, whether it’s in the morning or before falling asleep

6. Cuddle on the sofa

7. Show you are present and interested during conversations

Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post