Don’t lie to your kids about sex: virginity can be a touchy subject for teens, but it’s healthy and natural to talk about it
- It’s essential for parents to speak to their children freely about sex, sexual feelings, and natural urges without any judgment or negativity
- Having a positive attitude about sex means to being able to share your own views, as well as accepting other people’s opinions about it
I have a confession to make.
Every now and then, I lied to my daughter when she was growing up. But I don’t think I am the only parent who has lied to their children.
As parents, we all lie because we think they are young and gullible, which means we can get away with it. We lie about taking them to the amusement park if they behave or finish their homework before dinner. We lie about the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, things that are “too complicated” to explain, or anything just to nudge them to do what we want or what we think is good for them.
While some parents might lie more than others, there’s no denying that white lies are part and parcel of parenting.
Sometimes I lied to my child because I wanted to encourage her, while other times I did it to make her do what I believed was good for her. I would like to think my lies were mostly well-intentioned. But the one thing I would never lie about is sex.
When my daughter started asking me about sex at a very young age, I tried to explain it to her in an age-appropriate manner. Her first sex-related question was not a simple “where do babies come from?”, but a straightforward one about what an orgasm is, and what it felt like.
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I told her to think about eating her favourite food – which was chocolate at the time – and then to imagine placing that pleasant feeling all over her body. Of course, she didn’t really understand what I meant, but at least I made it clear to her that sex is not a dirty subject. Therefore, she was always welcome to ask me questions about it.
I am proud to say that I raised my daughter in a sex-positive environment, and now, as a young woman, she is a very sex- positive individual.
But what does it really mean to be sex positive? Sonia Samtani, a clinical hypnotherapist, life coach, and relationship and wellness coach says the simplest way to understand the term “sex positive” is to take it literally.
“It’s about having a positive attitude about sex. It means to be open to sharing your own views, as well as accepting other people’s views and preferences,” Samtani explains.
“On the other hand, being sex negative is judging yourself or other people’s sexual feelings and preferences and withholding how you feel. This often leads to fear and shame around the topic of sex. The pros about being sex positive are that you are able to acknowledge and honour sex as a biological need.
“It allows us to accept our natural feelings and explore our preferences without the fear of being criticised or shamed.”
Meanwhile, she points out that traditionalists fear being sex positive out of fear of shame or that it may encourage early (unwanted) pregnancies. “They would see being sex negative as a way to manage and control people, as a way to ‘protect’ them.”
Samtani’s advice for how to raise a sex-positive family is for parents to talk to their children openly about sex, sexual feelings, and natural urges without judgment, she says.
“A child will naturally show curiosity towards their genitals starting at the age of two, and if the parent is open-minded, they can talk to their child about their curiosity. It’s too early to mention sex, but it starts with allowing your child to be curious without making them feel ashamed.”
One of the obvious benefits is that if your child feels comfortable talking to you about such topics, they will eventually open up to you about topics directly related to sex when they get older.
But Samtani reminds us that it is not about having “that” conversation once. In actuality, it is more of an ongoing attitude about acceptance towards sexual preferences and diversity.
You can let your child know that there are many ways to release their sexual energy. Each choice has a consequence, and they are responsible for the consequences of the choices they make
“The biggest tip is to accept how your children feel and help them build awareness, instead of criticising or belittling them.
“If a person feels judged, they will naturally not be open to sharing their authentic feelings and develop self-sabotaging coping behaviours to deal with the judgment. This leads to them suppressing their urges, rebelling for ‘the hell of it’, or denying their true feelings to please another,” she warns.
One good way to establish a sex-positive communication channel, Samtani says, is to teach your child about virginity in a positive manner.
She says it’s good to be literal rather than skirting around the topic and hoping they will get it.
“Check what their views are about it. They could be anywhere from not understanding sex, to fearing sex, to judging it as something they must do or avoid.”
Samtani believes that sex positivity is about understanding your child and encouraging them to have healthy associations with their body and sex.
“When your child naturally talks to you about their feelings, talk to them about choice and consequence, rather than ‘right’ and ‘wrong’.
“Seek to understand their position and guide them with awareness, rather than imposing your rules. You do not have 100 per cent control over your child’s views, and it is quite possible that they will go ahead and explore their sexuality anyway without telling you.
“You can let your child know that there are many ways to release their sexual energy. Each choice has a consequence, and they are responsible for the consequences of the choices they make.”
She stresses it is important to talk to your child about the choices they are exploring. Discuss the impact that their actions can have on themselves and the other party.
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“Talk to them about consensual sex by having them relate to the other person with sensitivity and understanding about how they would feel. This will also bring up risks of pregnancies and [sexually transmitted diseases] as natural consequences,” she says.
Not every conversation will be an easy one to have, but nor will every conversation be difficult. At the end of the day, raising a sex-positive child means keeping an open dialogue (as well as an open mind). However difficult it is, it is definitely worth it and it will pay dividends in the future.
Luisa Tam is a Post correspondent who also hosts video tutorials on Cantonese language that are now part of Cathay Pacific’s in-flight entertainment programme.
