9 reasons we lie in our relationships, from not wanting to be ‘mean’ to hiding spending habits – how to communicate better this Valentine’s Day
- The truth may set you free, but it’s hard to be completely honest in romantic relationships, where we lie to avoid conflict, preserve our autonomy and more
- With Valentine’s Day around the corner, here are common reasons partners hide the truth from each other, and how to be honest to preserve your relationship
You’ve probably heard the phrase “honesty is the best policy”, but this advice is not always easy to implement, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.
Some people surprise themselves by the ease with which they tell “white lies”.
Others normalise lying by saying things like, “it’s just what couples do” or “what they don’t know won’t hurt them”.
If you have recently caught yourself being not 100 per cent honest (or even flat-out dishonest) with your partner, it might be time to reflect on the reasons behind it. Here are some of the most common ones.
You’re maintaining previous lies
Telling seemingly insignificant lies at the start of a relationship can come back to haunt us as we find ourselves having to maintain them.
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Maybe you overemphasised how much you like camping or eating olives, you lied about liking football, or perhaps you wanted something in common, so you said their favourite band was yours. And now, months or years later, you find yourself saying yes to camping, eating olives, or worse – receiving surprise tickets on your birthday to see a music act you can’t stand.
You’re trying to avoid conflict
Sometimes we may become anxious or uncomfortable when facing conflict, and lie to avoid difficult conversations. If you are guilty of this, remember that the more you avoid conflict, the more it builds – it doesn’t just go away.
You’re doing something you shouldn’t be
Lying is often the result of one partner doing something that is disrespectful to the other and potentially damaging to the relationship.
Another reason for lying is to avoid facing truths about oneself. In this case, the problem lies not with lying to our partner directly, but in them being the collateral damage as we lie to ourselves.
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You and your partner struggle with communication
Maybe you don’t want to worry your partner, so you omit important facts about your new work position or vocation.
You aren’t being upfront about money
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You are trying to preserve your autonomy
Being in a relationship can feel like an attack on our independence, which is not always easy to detect or communicate. Sometimes lies are our attempt to preserve privacy or to have something that is just our own.
A solution is to set boundaries; something that requires clarity, honesty and communication.
You are scared that the truth will push them away
Maybe you are afraid to share that you are still friends with your ex-partner, that you don’t hold the same views on religion, that family members of theirs get under your skin, or that you don’t want to have children. Sometimes we think we need to lie to keep our partner close.
You don’t want to hurt their feelings
It’s common for couples to lie to one another to avoid being “mean”.
Sometimes we lie in an effort to spare our partner’s feelings.
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Your relationship is not a safe space for you
Sometimes, people lie for self-preservation – out of fear that the truth will bring punishment or harm. Relationships that give birth to this kind of lying are unhealthy and dangerous.
So, why do you think you lie?
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specialises in identity, relationships and moral trauma.
