Pleasure and pain all part of the service for BDSM duo teaching Hongkongers about another side of sexual desire
- From giving up control to exploring someone’s desires, the class is proving to be something of a hit
- But experts caution about the risk of abuse and those in the know say safety and consent is an important part of any role play
For some the art of bondage and sadomasochism, or BDSM, is about giving up control, while for others it is about taking it – and now two Hongkongers are teaching others how to explore their desires in a safe environment.
Tommy Jai and Po Po G (their nicknames) run a class in Tsim Sha Tsui that, in the conservative city of Hong Kong, is lifting the lid on one lesser known aspect of sex. Judging by the programme’s popularity, it is an element of adult relationships that some are keen to learn more about.
The Fifty Shades trilogy written by E.L. James and turned into a Hollywood blockbuster has certainly contributed to people’s desire to know more, but Tommy said it did not accurately portray the way BDSM should be practised.
As well as the practical aspects of the programme, the pair stress the importance of safety and consent.
“The woman [in the films] repeatedly says she does not want it, but the guy kept pushing her limits. This is not what BDSM is about. We don’t do that. You set your limit and I respect this, otherwise it is not BDSM, it’s abuse,” he said.
Experts have long cautioned about the lifestyle, which can lead to accidents and feelings of abuse if not approached properly.
“Practising [BDSM] arbitrarily could bring accidents,” said former University of Hong Kong psychiatry professor Dr Emil Ng Man-lun. “It is something that requires teaching.
“Consensus in black and white is not needed, but once you find something you don’t like, you just speak up … if someone keeps doing that, just call the police.”
Ng said practising with someone you know well could prevent things from going wrong, and added that as the city becomes more open-minded, practitioners are more comfortable about coming out.
The consensual exchange of power within a relationship is central to BDSM, where gratification does not necessarily have to include sex. For Tommy and Po, their programme has been about breaking down barriers and discussing a subject that is largely considered taboo in Hong Kong.
“[It’s about] showing your vulnerability and opening up to a relationship and your desire,” Po said.
Tommy added: “BDSM for me is not really techniques as seen from outside, [it’s] about learning about myself, what I like and what I don’t like.”
Sex talk: gender expert on why Hongkongers are getting fewer intimate moments
When the pair launched their course and started to recruit students publicly in April last year, the enthusiasm was beyond their expectation. About 20 vacancies were filled up a month before the class started in June, with women from all different backgrounds and aged between 20 and 50 signing up.
Few of the women had any experience in BDSM, which is an umbrella term for a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, role-playing, restraint and other interpersonal dynamics.
These usually involve the consensual exchange of power and deliberate infliction of pain on a person in the submissive role by another in a dominant role, and typical elements can include flogging, caning, hot-wax play and bondage, and these, along with safety rules and the strictly upheld principle of consensus, are taught in the course.
At the next class they’d say, ‘Oh my God, I just tried this with my boyfriend, I was so surprised he was willing to try
The practical aspect involved a male volunteer who Po said the women could initially not even look at or touch.
“But as the class went on, they got more daring,” she said. “At the next class they’d say, ‘Oh my God, I just tried this with my boyfriend, I was so surprised he was willing to try’.”
Fifty Shades boosted interest, she said, while Picco Chu, an adult toy retailer, said the topic was becoming more mainstream.
“As more media talk about it, people will think this is a topic that is being discussed by other people,” Chu said. “And they will start to talk about it, unlike in the past when it wasn’t discussed much in the media and people regarded it as perverted once the topic was brought up.”
One Hongkonger, who wanted to be known as “JJ Warrior” said there was a fine line between pain and excitement.
“Mentally I was being led and it was a sense of security,” he said. “The right degree of physical pain from being tortured would turn into sexual excitement.”
He would usually find a professional dominatrix, to fulfil his desire, and could spend as much as HK$8,000 per month for several sessions.
Subay, a professional dominatrix and practitioner of shibari, or the Japanese art of rope bondage, said people were finding it easier to access kinky information, but at the same time might overlook the risks.
Tommy believed safety issues were connected with information flow. “We’re teaching it because we want people to play safe,” he said.
