What kind of trail runner are you – the Euro Ace or the CrossFitter?
- Trail runners come in many varieties, from the road runner trying out the mountains to the unknown Chinese runner who sets records then disappears just as fast
- Or are you the CrossFitter, confused by the lack of mirrors but proud of the lack of T-shirt?
Trail runner is a human species regularly spotted by hikers in mountainous regions from Italy to Japan. To an untrained eye, trail runners may appear similar in behaviour and appearance, but to the initiated, they come in many varieties, each one shaped by a unique evolutionary path. Here is a brief guide to common trail runner types that you can observe at race start lines in Hong Kong.
Euro Ace
He soloed his first 4,000m peak in the Euro mountains as an embryo and skied professionally before he could digest solid food. Googling his name yields a long list of wins in races that read like labels on wine bottles (Le Super Trail Vertical du Lac du Mont de St Christophe), and videos of him playfully pushing his fellow skinny Euro Aces off razor-sharp mountain ridges.
At the race he maintains superior aloofness – he has come to win, and usually does.
Unknown Runner from Chinese Mainland
Elite Road Runner (Trying This Trail Thing)
He turns up in a track singlet with one gel (tucked into tiny shorts), donated by his trail running friend. Programmed to run very fast in near-straight lines, the Elite Road Runner is likely to miss the first turn and spend the rest of the day sprinting up and down the mountains looking for markings like a deranged meerkat.
In the unlikely event of him not getting lost, he will blast through the checkpoints without stopping for food or water, and either collapse or win by two hours.
All-American Trail Pro
Not really a variety in its own right – Trail Pro is a feral Elite Road Runner who adapted to the non-urban habitat.
Before going feral, he turned down a mega sponsorship deal with Nikedas, choosing to run trails because, “Dude, trails make you feel free!” Unlike his non-feral cousin, The Trail Pro is a master navigator, but in Euro mountains he struggles with “les trails techniques” (lifeless, mist-shrouded, near-vertical boulder fields), and got smoked by Euro Ace last year at Le Super Trail Vertical du Lac du Mont de St Christophe.
Grizzled Veteran
Her stare makes Connor McGregor lower his gaze and pretend to study the contents under his fingernails. Back when “being on your phone” meant playing Snakes on your Nokia, she won every ultra and trail race that had even been devised by mankind. She started running trails for fun after an accident ended her sporting career – getting ready for the Olympics, she skied into a grizzly bear, dislocating her pancreas and spending 89 days in a coma (three days less than the bear). Effectively retired because there is nothing else left to win, the Grizzled Veteran lives in a hut deep in ancient forest and “barely trains”, running just 50 miles a day.
CrossFitter
He entered this trail race because a bro from his gym did one and Instagram photos looked awesome. He chooses to run topless, a standard attire for most of his daily activities (even though it has led neighbours, friends and family to inquire if his wardrobe includes items other than shorts and calf compression sleeves). During the running process, the CrossFitter’s muscle mass requires so much oxygen that his breathing blows the trail clean of twigs, leaves, and small animals. Just before dropping out, in his oxygen-deprived delirium, the CrossFitter asks checkpoint staff why are there no mirrors in this giant green gym and demands to know who set this WOD that has taken him 7 hours.
