Asking for a Friend: Help! My classmates talk about sex a lot and it makes me uncomfortable. What should I do?
- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This week, we help a teen who says they are frustrated by how much their peers discuss sex
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Dear Friend,
My classmates talk about sex a lot, and it makes me uncomfortable. How can I cope with it?
Sincerely, How To Cope?
Dear Cope,
It’s normal for teens and preteens to talk about sex. With all that growing and changing going on, teens want to confer with their friends to ensure that nothing about their own development is unusual compared to their peers.
However, judging from the tone of your question, I wonder if the conversation has moved to more explicit topics, such as sexual acts.
Perhaps your friends are looking at disturbing photos and videos, or maybe they are talking about sex in a way that is very explicit and graphic. In any case, it is clear that what they are doing doesn’t align with your comfort levels and how you want to behave.
It seems like your classmates have assumed you are OK with the way they talk about sex, or they don’t care if it makes you uncomfortable. They are not considering how you feel.
These classmates didn’t ask for your consent to listen to their conversations about sex or if you wanted to be part of them – and that isn’t OK.
Help! My classmate is bullying me, and she says it’s her ‘freedom’ to do it
Here’s what you can do:
1. Be calm and firm! Tell them they need to stop bringing sex up so much.
2. Let them know how you feel; you could say something like, “I don’t like talking to you about sex and sex acts; it feels uncomfortable, like you are pressuring me to talk about sex.”
3. Walk away from the conversation without saying anything. If you don’t like what your classmates are discussing, you can remove yourself from the situation.
4. Have one-on-one chats with a few of these classmates and ask them how they feel. You may find out there are other people who aren’t keen to talk about sex.
5. This goes without saying, but don’t hesitate to get a teacher involved.
I’m too nervous to speak in front of my classmates. What should I do?
The key takeaway here is that when it comes to sex, consent is ALWAYS important. You should always be allowed to give your consent to be involved in conversations about it or to look at photos or videos showing something sexual.
You don’t want to listen to your classmates talk about sex, and you don’t have to. They must respect your choice.
You’ve got this, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Lolita Schmalenberg, a psychotherapist and teen and adult therapist at Lifespan Counselling.